GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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