she woke up with a sticky ear
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize