During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
