This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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