guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im holly from the hills drunk
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
