Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
