Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
