I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
