ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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