I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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