My balls are so social today.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He better not be in your backpack
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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