I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
