I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
