my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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