i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
