My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
