I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
