You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
