I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
