Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize