Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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