I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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