i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize