I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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