the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am one with the molecules
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize