I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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