I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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