So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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