Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize