Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
