I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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