I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
