He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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