k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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