someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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