Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
