I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize