like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
