omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
