I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
