She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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