fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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