Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
