look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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