were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
