I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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