Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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