Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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