I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
