my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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