The maid of honor just puked.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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