I wanna bring you to show and tell
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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