Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
