Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
