dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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