She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
