I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
