you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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